It all started when I found a cat January 18. In the days were waiting for the shelter to open, we looked at the Oakland Animal Services website perhaps too much. So many dogs need homes; indeed, it’s where we found Ruffie in 2023. Alan thus applied to foster a dog.

Those days of waiting were long. The first closed day was due to a holiday, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which happened to also be Donald Trump’s second inauguration. National news was wearing me down, interspersed with looking at those poor dogs in need. Come Thursday, we finally could head over to OAS and turn in the poor cat, and then we asked to meet with foster coordinator Kaye.

Alan asked about the young shepherd mix Britney. It seemed her very high energy level and possible issues with cats made her a less promising match, though we didn’t rule her out. The conversation turned toward Winter, a 5-ish year old petite husky girl. She was not at the shelter but in a foster home, as she was recovering from a surgery. Kaye checked if the vet Dr. Austin had time to discuss Winter with us.

We heard about her complicated history of being a stray who arrived with breathing problems. They did surgery twice to remove a portion of her lung due to pneumothorax. They then found she not only has chronic bronchitis but also gets seizures. At this point it seemed like she was recovering very well from surgery, the bronchitis was under control and she was taking medication for the seizures. She was also on a steroid for the bronchitis, but it was hoped she could taper off that soon. It was a lot to learn, but we agreed to get in touch with the foster family and arrange a meeting. We’d need to make sure Winter got along with Ruffie first of all. But because of all of her needs, this would almost certainly not be a foster situation, but an adoption.

Alan arranged a meeting at our house on the 25th. I had some time to research pneumothorax and epilepsy in dogs, at least enough to compile many questions. There wasn’t much to note about her lungs other than understand her fitness and exercise routines, but the seizures were a much bigger concern for me. The meeting came, we did a dog-dog introduction outside on a mini walk. That went well, and we progressed to the back yard of the house and talked while we let the dogs explore.

It turned out Winter didn’t have much seizure history to go over, as she apparently had just one day with a couple of seizures under their care, which happened shortly after stopping the drug levetiracetam. Since getting back on the drug, nothing further happened, and it had been one or two months now. Winter didn’t have any issues breathing, but may have had a small limp in her back leg. I felt pretty good about welcoming her home, and Alan did too. The foster needed to discuss it with the family, and her husband was out of town, so Winter went back with her for now.

As an aside: Their situation was also difficult, with the husband about to be called back to work in the office and possibly in D.C. since he works for a federal agency. How many animals have ended up in shelters thanks to these capricious return to office mandates? In the coming days, we’d also learn about layoffs targeting that agency. We were hoping we could provide a stable new home for Winter, but I had to wonder if my situation might also change sooner than I would like. I’m currently planning to take a couple of years of classes in this area before applying to schools, but that’s contingent on my savings lasting long enough to sustain the household. With the economy now possibly going off a cliff thanks to Trump, I am feeling very weary.

Not long after Winter left, we got a call asking if Winter could come back to stay with us for a while so the Kristine could run into Costco to get her prescriptions. I took that as an excuse to also make a trip to Home Depot, and we told her we’d meet her at Costco instead so she wouldn’t have to drive back and forth. We got to hang out with Winter some more and walk around a new, though chaotic, environment.

Winter at the Costco parking lot while Kristine got her prescriptions.

We thought it might be at least a week before we could see Winter again, but apparently they talked about it before the husband returned. We arranged to complete adoption paperwork at the shelter January 30, one week after we first dropped off the cat. We didn’t bring Ruffie that time, as they’d already met. It went smoothly, and Winter was super chill about jumping into our car. She was seemingly not worried at all.

Winter on our way home from the shelter

At home, I brought the dogs outside, hoping they’d run around and expend some energy. Ruffie was surely excited, and I then got the first indication of a problem when they started fighting a bit. I broke it up right away, but I was surprised and disappointed. I hoped it was just a one off, and we eventually went back inside and started our new life together!

Winter is home now!

Later that night, I went to class in San Francisco. Alan had to break up one more incident, and then kept Ruffie in his crate for the night. We didn’t have any issues for four more days thankfully, so we could work on adjusting to Winter’s other needs. First of all, we learned she gets up early, pacing around the room before 7 in the morning until we fed her. (I’ve desired to adopt an earlier schedule many times over the years, but the need kept disappearing.) She was very eager to eat despite getting about 3.5 cups of food a day, compared to twice-the-size Ruffie’s 4 cups a day. Part of that was likely due to her prednisone steroid. She was taking 10 mg daily, as well as a 500 mg levetiracetam ER pill every 12 hours to control her seizures.

Ruffie prefers Winter's food.

The dogs got along decently in between the tiffs. Over the next couple of weeks, Winter went from growling slightly any time Ruffie got near her face to being apparently unperturbed even when they crashed into each other accidentally. I was feeling pretty good that I would be able to trust them alone eventually. There were only a couple more issues separated by up to 9 days, a marked improvement.

Happy to see them on the couch together after the bit of fighting.

I started a log on Day 1 to track the timing of her pills and a journal to record everything else. The main concern after the fighting was her chronic bronchitis. She mostly seemed to breathe fine, but sometimes right after getting up from lying down she would cough a bit. Also when going up hills she coughed a little bit. It seemed to only happen a few times a day.

Winter resting while I study on the dog couch.

We had our first “outing” on Feb. 5th when I took Ruffie to try to get a vaccine at Petco. Winter got to come into Safeway while Ruffie waited in the car. She was fine around people, including when a young boy came up to talk to and pet her.

Alan tried to bring Winter into Safeway in the cart. Later they told us she needed to be walking on the ground, which at least meant she didn't get kicked out!

Lazy dogs.

Winter and Alan

Alan took her to El Cerrito via BART on the 8th, and they spent some hours in Berkeley walking around. He reported that she did fine and there were no issues on transit. Things were looking good for her to be able to integrate into our activities!

Sweet Winter resting on the bed my mom got for Ruffie. She loves it.

We had one more small incident that seemed to be triggered by the dogs being in a tight space together behind the couch. We broke it up right away and she was fine, but I was still very upset with Ruffie. I attached him to the greenhouse outside for the night. I’m not sure if he looked at that as a punishment or not, because he does love being outside at night sometimes. But I think he knew it was a bad thing. Nevertheless, the dogs got along fine in the next few days.

Ruffie and Winter resting peacefully

Our friend Armie came to stay for a week, which we always love. Winter got to witness Ruffie and Armie playing, where Armie does growl a lot. I think it may have helped her to see them getting along.

Walking the three dogs was pretty easy. I loved seeing them arranged by size. So sweet.

Armie liked Winter and came to sit by her several times.

Winter and Armie resting

Then on the 18th we had some issues. It happened to be the day Alan was going to make some calls to some area vets and try to get her in so we could continue her prescriptions before our supply ran out.

At 05:00, we woke to some strange sounds below our bed and Ruffie was freaking out. I immediately saw Winter was having a seizure. The part I was aware of lasted about a minute, though I’m not sure how long it took me to wake up. Overall it wasn’t too bad, though she did urinate a lot, on the floor thankfully. I had watched plenty of videos of dogs having seizures by this point, so I knew she would be disoriented and possibly hungry and thirsty after. She did get up and want to walk around, but wasn’t too hungry at first.

I felt dejected. Not because it was a terrible seizure, but because I was so hopeful that her seizures may have been triggered by flea medication after her surgery when she may have had open wounds, and maybe they would go away since she hasn’t been on flea meds in a couple of months. It’s possible and likely the seizures are unrelated and permanent, but I was optimistic. Maybe this was just the last one off and they would fade.

We ended up getting to a vet nearby at 11:00 that morning due to a cancellation they had. The visit went fine and the vet seemed competent, but we didn’t walk away with the prescriptions I was hoping for. The vet said he wanted to do some calculations about the dosing for her seizure meds, and then when we got “the plan” after the vet left, they told us they’d need to wait for blood results before prescribing anything. So she had her blood and urine drawn, and then we left with some ointments for an apparent minor scrape in her ear.

After I got back from class that night, the dogs unfortunately had another small spat around the food bowls when I was feeding. That time I locked Ruffie in the basement room alone, where I was sure he would feel isolated. I felt bad. But I needed him to know it was not OK to give in to what may have been Winter provoking him with her snaps and growls.

Then Alan and I watched an episode of Crossing Jordan in the living room on the TV I had just caved into getting after all these years. Winter was resting at my feet. And then she suddenly got up, walked a bit and rolled over. Initially I thought it was weird she was rolling around like a dog does in grass when enjoying himself. But then I realized she was having another seizure. This was 17 hours after the last one. Two in a day is not good. It wasn’t very severe, lasted about a minute again, and she urinated again. Afterward she seemed more or less fine, if a bit dazed. But it was bedtime soon, so we tried to keep everything relaxing for her.

And then, at 02:00, I woke to her having another seizure. This was now in the territory where advice is to take the dog to the ER (3 or more seizures in 24 hours). I was very concerned as they were coming more frequently, first 17 hours between and then 4. This one was likely shorter, but she was breathing heavily afterward. From my many hours of reading accounts of people’s experiences, an emergency vet would administer anticonvulsant drugs possibly by IV and make sure the temperature doesn’t get out of control, but otherwise there’s not much that would be done. I decided not to do anything more after taking her outside to make sure she was cool enough. She wanted to come in soon after, and we all went back to sleep. This time, I slept on the dog bed with her.

Thankfully, we got through the night and the whole next day without any more seizures. This made me very happy, especially because Alan would be going on a trip two days later for a week. I would be responsible for managing the dogs and making sure they don’t fight, making sure she gets her medications at the specified three times each day, and trying to get to my classes three times a week. We did have a new roommate as of the week prior, and he was very helpful in watching the dogs while I was at class, else I would have had to stay home.

On the 21st I took the dogs for a short 4 mile hike up at Anthony Chabot Regional Park. It has been too long since we did any sort of hiking, and I wanted Winter to experience a bit of nature. I think she loved it. It was the furthest I personally walked her, so I was paying very close attention to her energy level. She was quite eager to keep going most of the time, and only showed a little possible tiredness at the very end going up a hill. I was sure she could go further, but I wanted to ease into it and decided to take it easy the next few days.

Winter on what turned out to be our only hike, in Anthony Chabot Regional Park. She seemed to love it and got along well with Ruffie.

Winter on what turned out to be our only hike, in Anthony Chabot Regional Park. She seemed to love it and got along well with Ruffie.

With the seizure cluster seemingly resolved, the main issue was figuring out her prednisone dosing. She was on a relatively low dose of 10 mg a day, but she was peeing a lot, and I wondered when and if we could get on a lower dose. It wasn’t great that we didn’t get the blood results or hear from the vet for the rest of the week. So for now, I was just making notes about her behavior.

She needed to go out to pee at least 2-3 times each night, and my sleep was not great. I was mulling over trying to install a dog door in the glass door or the side of the house in our room. She also had three accidents in the house, two in one day. In all cases she seemingly just peed out of nowhere, and one of the times I knew she went outside recently an hour before. But she drinks so much water on the prednisone, and I read not to restrict that at all. I just hoped it was all related and would go away once we could reduce that drug.

Her coughing may have been getting worse though. It was just a minor difference if at all, but I noted it was definitely happening every hour or so versus what I thought was a couple of times a day two weeks prior. I was thinking about whether we actually needed to increase the steroid then. But on our walks, she had so much energy! She often wanted to run, which I gave into for short stretches. That gave me hope her lungs were recovering well.

I loved finding them sitting together on the couch, even though I'm pretty sure she was there first and Ruffie joined her. At least she stayed!

The 25th was a terrible roller coaster.

She did her normal three trips outside at 23:30 the night before, then at 3 and again at 5. Only she didn’t go back to sleep after that, and neither did I. Instead of getting her normal crazy energy around 7, she was lethargic, and I thought her breathing was getting strained. I started researching that, trying to determine how bad it was if it was bad at all.

It had been almost a week since our vet visit, and we had heard nothing yet, despite Alan emailing to report the additional seizures and asking about the medications and blood test. I sent an email to Dr. Austin at the shelter around 8 that morning asking if she had any time to look at Winter. Miraculously she replied and said we could bring her in at 11 even though the shelter was closed that day due to the budget cuts.

Winter in the morning when her breathing was first getting labored.

Over the next two hours, I managed to get her to eat a bit of canned meats. I was at least glad she ate something, though very concerned her normal appetite disappeared. She also was not drinking water much, a huge change. Then I heard there was a power outage in the part of Oakland where OAS is located, and Dr. Austin wasn’t sure if we would be able to do X-rays, but wanted me to still come in. Of course I was going to go.

Normally she is extremely eager to eat her kibble by 7 in the morning, but it's already 10 and I could only get her to eat some soft meat food.

We went to the shelter a bit early. The power was still out, but I got into the lot without issue since someone opened the gate before me. Somehow Winter suddenly wanted to walk outside the car. She was slow, but we kept walking up and down the strip at the side of the lot for around 20 minutes. Then we went back in the car for a bit. We were in touch with Dr. Austin by email, hearing how they were setting up a generator. We met her in the lot around 11:30 and went in.

Winter seemed a lot better at this point, though I don’t understand what changed. Two vets, including the one who did her surgery a few months prior, looked at her. It was nice seeing everyone there who knew Winter, despite the circumstances. So many people cared about her and wanted her to do well.

We came away with new X-rays showing only a very minor deterioration from last time, nothing acute and no return of pneumothorax. They made a plan to try a new immunosuppressant in hopes it might allow us to reduce the prednisone. But there was a risk since it would also further reduce her bone marrow function. We went home with instructions to double her prednisone for now, and we’d start that new med two days later when it arrived.

Winter at Oakland Animal Services for a check up. She perked up and her breathing got better just as we got there.

The rest of that day went pretty well! Winter continued to return to normal, and by 5 hours later I was confident enough to go to class and have Justin watch her closely with instructions to text me if she had any issues with breathing. She was fine though, all the way till I got home from class around 22:00.

But then my worst fears were realized. Her breathing got bad again. I emailed Dr. Austin, and she thought we should be OK on the higher steroid dose and not to worry. But she told me earlier to watch out for anything like vomiting or diarrhea. I tried to be hopeful, since her breathing was bad in the morning but then recovered. I did give her an extra 5mg prednisone though, which she took easily. I tried to sleep.

Sleep didn’t come. I just listened to her breathing and thought about her. We went for a few hours like that, with the breathing getting almost normal at times but then getting worse. She cycled between lying down on her bed, standing up, walking to the water bowl but not drinking usually, walking around, going in Ruffie’s crate, lying back down.

I was trying to decide where I should take her if things got worse. Last time we needed an emergency vet, we took Remi to OakVet. We didn’t end up needing to stay, though, as it was too late once we arrived. They didn’t change us for the ultrasound or anything, which was nice. But I happened to talk to someone in my class who she said she worked at OakVet and would not recommend going there due to the organization being “a mess”. I read many accounts on Reddit, and saw a lot of recommendations for a place called VEG. There’s one is San Ramon, not much further of a drive than to OakVet, so I decided I would go there if necessary. But I was very, very scared of what it might cost. Being unemployed is not great when it comes to indeterminate sudden bills.

Then at 1:49 she vomited a large amount of partially digested food. It seemed like it might have been all that I fed her that day, so I was concerned about whether the prednisone was absorbed at all. Then she vomited again, somehow, more food. Her breathing was about the same, and I was trying to figure out how long I should wait to see if the prednisone would kick in. That morning, there was about 4 hours between giving the pill and when she recovered spontaneously. I had another hour to go based on that, but I didn’t want to wait after the vomiting. So we went to VEG.

The only good thing about that experience was they are have an open floor plan and encouraged me to stand right next to Winter and comfort her as they were working. They immediately got to work — I had called on the way and explained the respiratory situation. They did an ultrasound to check for anything obvious that might be causing breathing problems, and they looked over my X-rays from earlier. The handheld oxygen wasn’t cutting it, though, so she was quickly moved to an oxygen chamber. Her blood oxygen level was around 83, and her blood pressure was a bit low. They gave fluids by IV, and I sat on the floor and petted her through the ports often. There was no improvement though, and once she was in there an hour, I needed to make a decision.

The vet said she didn’t think the prognosis was good, but we would likely need a multi day stay to try to stabilize her breathing. It would likely cost well over 10K, maybe double that, and there was no way to know if it would help. There were so many variables with her lung issues, the chronic bronchitis, the steroids, and the fact we were looking at starting an immunosuppressant but her blood counts were showing bone marrow issues already.

Winter getting a quick ultrasound upon arrival at VEG in San Ramon before being moved into a full oxygen chamber since her oxygen was too low.

I think I waited with her another half hour hoping for a magical improvement, but the oxygen level didn’t budge despite being in the oxygen chamber. I wish I understood more about what could be wrong or causing that. But I didn’t want her to suffer, and was scared her life would involve a lot more suffering if she were to make it through this. I feel terrible to say, I decided to agree to euthanization. I held her sweet face in my hands while she went to sleep. The vet checked her heart, and then let us be.

I was in shock, then I cried, and I just tried to believe it was the best thing for her. I carried her out to the car, initially declining help, but then I accepted. The staff was very compassionate, at least. “I’m so sorry, are you sure you’re going to be OK? Please drive safely.” “Thank you, I will be OK, goodnight.” I sat there for a few minutes in silence, and managed to get home eventually.

Poor Ruffie was waiting at the door for us, as I walked in holding Winter’s body. He sniffed her for a long time, and then I put her in a container outside where she would stay cooler until I figured out a plan. It was already after 6 a.m., but I needed to sleep first.

I slept about 4 hours and then needed to start making a box and digging. I had little energy and felt like shit. I told a few people what happened, then felt terrible and cried more, and then tried to get working. The garage was a disaster, but I didn’t have time to organize or make space for setting up the saw. I found enough pieces of wood to fashion a basic box, and just used a handheld circular saw to make the cuts. It turned out OK, and next I had to dig.

It is too soon to be building another one of these. Some of my materials are hard to access at the moment, so this is the best I could do in a short amount of time. I hope Winter doesn't mind.

The soil was wet, and after a foot of easy topsoil, I hit my yard’s lovely dense clay. It was an hourslong slog, my boots were comically coated in inches of muck, but I got through it. As the sun was setting, I lay her in the crate wrapped in one of the Indian kantha quilts I had also wrapped Remi in a year and a half ago. Only this time, it was just me and Ruffie bidding our family member farewell.

Rest in peace, sweet Winter. Hopefully you can find Remi and hang out with him now. We are so happy to have spent the last month together with you.

The next days were not great. I told a few more family members and friends, people I recently hoped would meet Winter soon. With each message returned the tears. It was not quite as shocking as Remi’s death was, but still I felt like Winter was with us for so much longer than the short month. While short, the month was dedicated to her needs and to helping her feel loved.

I spent so much energy researching her medical situation and thinking about the future, and my brain reconfigured how I thought about my life and my plans. Where can I get these prescriptions filled? Can I get the vet to write a 12 month script so I can reduce the cost a bit? What kinds of emergency anticonvulsants should I ask for? Should I learn to do injections, or rely on a slower anal suppository? Should we start this super expensive insurance plan ASAP because of the 12 month waiting period before preexisting conditions are covered? Is the new TV contributing to her seizures? Do we need to keep the lights on in the room, the brightness and volume of the TV down? It’s OK that I was excited to start watching more movies, the reason I got a nice display finally. That’s not important anymore. Could something in her diet be hurting, or could we make changes to help? Would the MCT oil eventually help? Which of the 1000 other seizure triggers should I focus on? Has she experienced brain damage from untreated seizures when she was a stray? Should I install more anti slip pads around the stairs so she doesn’t fall since she has a little trouble walking sometimes? How much is that $80 a jar joint supplement helping, and does she need more? Is the stress with Ruffie contributing to the seizures? Will we ever be able to leave the house for more than a few hours? Will Winter be able to go camping with me away from medical services? Even if they get along fine from now on, will her frequent urination also dictate we need to always have someone home with her? Could that dog door help, or would that cause issues with outdoor cats and other animals? Should I build outdoor kennels for both of them so they can be separated but not alone, and urinate outside? But first I may need to complete at least part of the leveling-terracing project in the yard I’ve been putting off for years on account of finances and uncertainty about the future…

I was content to tone down any plans for the year and just figure out how to help Winter be happy while taking my classes. Maybe I didn’t need to go to any more late night parties in the city, or go to Burning Man, or camping. What am I doing with my life anyway?

Now I am feeling a sense of whiplash. All those concerns theoretically vanish, and in some ways things should be easier now, as terrible as it is to say. I can close the 22 tabs I still have open so I could digest more information about seizures and bronchitis. I still need to convince myself not to feel at fault, not to feel like I should have done something, many things differently. Should I have increased her steroids earlier, or gotten her on an antibiotic, or begged for her first set of blood results faster? Was it a mistake to forget to ask the emergency vet about administering inhaled corticosteroids in that moment I was distressed about her oxygen level? I know we gave her a good chance at a happy life. I also know there’s more we could have done. There always is. I just wish I knew more.

Winter was a very special dog. She came with uncertainty and history. Who of us does not? She deserved a chance, she deserved love, and she at least got that. I hope she felt it enough to comfort her pain. Many people were rooting for Winter and cared for her at various times over the last four months since she made her way to OAS as a stray with breathing problems. I am so thankful to the vets and staff at OAS and Friends of OAS, which provides funding for many animals in need. I am so thankful for the foster family who cared for Winter after her surgery.

Please consider adopting an animal from your local shelter or rescue program. There are so many animals in need, so many who get euthanized through no fault of their own. And to be sure, many animals in need are perfectly healthy and simply need a loving home. Adopting or fostering any animal makes a difference.

This experience did not go as I imagined, but it was still deeply meaningful. I have no regrets about trying to help someone in need. I hope I regain the strength to try again. My heart is with you Winter. You are loved, and I hope we meet again.