Vote Charlie!

I wish I could be with everyone all the time

Posted at age 26.
Edited .

Today started late, thanks again to my curtains keeping out far too much light than is healthy. But it’s OK, because this weekend I decided to spend on things other than work, which translates, mostly, to working on personal stuff instead.

I began to study Japanese around 3 p.m. Somehow it is now 3 a.m., and I have barely made any progress on that front. But my mind has been busy nonetheless. The NeoPixels with which I’ve lined my walls along with amazing experimental music (today, newly discovered Ludique) transport my mind and emotions to another world. I highly recommend it.

But then I am also prone to distractions. By that I mean, I get on Facebook and read posts and comment threads from friends from my other lives. But do I really consider reconnecting with people in my life a “distraction”? That can’t be right…

Then, a serendipitous message from an old friend, and a small conversation ensued. I saved it, thinking I need to think about it more. Here’s an excerpt, with some references removed:

Him: Hey Charlie how’s world travels going?
Me: Great! I just made a video (joke?) called “listen.” How are you ?

Him: I’m alright. Lazy Sunday. Not much is happening in this video but I guess that’s your ear
Me: Yeah. It is. I think it might be more interesting on mushrooms
Him: Perhaps I wouldn’t know. How are you, still fabulous?
Me: Well, anyway. I’m good.. Not so fabulous lol. I don’t have that many friends in Japan and I don’t have people over for pre party or anything like I did in [city]
Him: I hear ya. Well. Friends and booze are overrated
Me: Haha. How is your life ?
Him: Oh pretty good, school is keeping me on my toes, [city] is a pretty nice place to live. Can’t complain
Me: Great! I’ve been spending too much time on FB lately reading peoples posts from the old days. Life is strange trips.
Him: I’ve spent too much of the past ten years comparing myself to other people and feeling absolutely terrible. Facebook is tailor-made for comparisons. To be totally honest I used to compare myself to you a lot and conclude I was pretty inadequate
Me: :-/ im sorry I caused that
Him: Not your fault brother. Lots of people have seemed like better men than I am - smarter sexier cooler the like. I don’t know what I’m doing in this community sometimes
Me: I mostly am sad about all the connections I don’t maintain anymore when I go on FB … But then I’m at the same time grateful I can even think about it specifically because I’m looking at people I otherwise would not be
Him: Absolutely, it’s a double edged sword
Me: Then I wish I could have everyone all in one place. Traveling around meeting people is great but then you don’t know where you belong after a while. This is the world. It is home
Him: Home is something or someone bigger than the world, I think sometimes. I dunno
Me: I don’t know either
Him: Anyways I gotta go, just thought I’d say howdy
Me: All right. Good to hear from you! Honestly. Peace!

It is true. I really don’t know what I consider home anymore. I don’t spend enough time nurturing relationships or anchoring to know where I belong. I don’t feel lost, though. I just feel like I’m on a trip. And I guess I am, as we all are, really.

But where am I going?