I really miss Dyan. Here are my latest crazy antics:

Dion W: I don’t understand how you can want to talk to me one second and then not the next. This has nothing to do with you being an asshole…no one has ever called you that. You’re the one who keeps making the label. As for the jealousy, you just need to swallow your pride and deal with it. I liked hanging out with you and I know you liked hanging out with me. Besides, Travis likes Chris…there’s no threat there anymore

achaia3: did u miss me?

Dion W: yea, you’re fun to be around

Dion W: i’ve told you this a number of times

achaia3: can’t u have fun with travis instead?

Dion W: i can have fun with everyone

achaia3: ok, so there’s no problem with me not being around

Dion W: yes there is

Dion W: because I like hanging out with you…and I know you liked hanging out with me

achaia3: i liked hanging out with u

achaia3: true

achaia3: i’m fessing up: through this whole thing this past 1.5 or 2 weeks, i’ve been trying to decide if u care about me or not - and i have to say i think you can live without me

Dion W: why? how did you come to that conclusion? because I did what you asked? because I didn’t message you for a whole week so you could think about the whole situation w/o me interfering

Dion W: tell me how that’s not caring

achaia3: you didn’t do what i asked first of all - u messaged me, both times

achaia3: but that’s beside the point

achaia3: i got no sense that dion missed charlie

achaia3: i cant say how i determined that

Dion W: how would I have conveyed that to you

achaia3: i just did

achaia3: we know the same people

Dion W: do you want me to be at your door every day telling you

achaia3: no

Dion W: jon and ryan and a few other people know how I feel about the whole situation

achaia3: how do u feel

Dion W: they know I want to hang out with you

Dion W: i think it’s dumb…we were good friends at the beginning of the school year and one person got inbetween us

achaia3: this is the selfish truth:

Dion W: granted, some of it may have been my fault…but I’m single and i’m free to mess around

achaia3: that person that got in between us -

achaia3: i looked at it this way, which is unfair, but it’s why i’m a selfish ass : i kindof liked u first of all, and then travis came around, and by my declaration that i wasn’t talking to you anymore because of travis, if you cared more about me than travis, u’d have opted for me instead of travis

achaia3: but u let me run away so u could stay with travis

achaia3: hence i felt u cared more about him after knowing him a few days

Dion W: the reason I didn’t…is because I wanted you to figure it out for yourself

achaia3: now I KNOW THATS MESSED UP AND SELFISH

Dion W: i was tired of telling you the same thing over and over

achaia3: but it’s how my brain was working

achaia3: i’m talking about the beginning

achaia3: from the start, you liked travis more

Dion W: WHAT?!

Dion W: when did i EVER say who i liked more?

achaia3: remember when you said you didn’t want to have to choose between friends?

achaia3: cuz u would’ve chosen him

Dion W: it wasn’t a matter of choosing

achaia3: but if you had to dion, you would have chosen him

Dion W: i hung out with travis because i could hang out with you too…but you wouldn’t allow that charlie

Dion W: no, i wouldn’t

Dion W: i wouldn’t have choosen anyone

Dion W: i don’t have best friends…for this express reason

achaia3: so if travis and i decided together that only one of us could be friends with you, and you had to choose, then you’d choose neither of us and that’s that?

Dion W: if i had to choose one of you or none of you..i’d honestly choose you

Dion W: i connect better with people in school

achaia3: so it has nothing to do with me

Dion W: well you’re fun to be around

Dion W: we go running and stuff

achaia3: so is travis

Dion W: all travis and i do is watch tv and stuff

achaia3: i think i wanted to wait till travis was gone so that i could avoid saying u had to choose

achaia3: i dont know how i feel dion

achaia3: i feel messed up and assholish and selfish

Dion W: you’re not an asshole

Dion W: stop saying that

achaia3: i am too

achaia3: i just told u i wanted you to choose between travis and i

achaia3: that is extremely assholeish

Dion W: emotions do weird things to you…it’s a matter of knowing how to control them

Dion W: and the first step to that is completely forgetting that travis is competition

achaia3: as i said before, it’s not so much that he;s competition as it is that I honestly don’t trust him

achaia3: i dont care if u mess with anybody else, remember

achaia3: basically, i don’t like when you’re with someone I deem untrustworthy

achaia3: selfish

Dion W: y..it wont change me

achaia3: i wish i knew

achaia3: and cant u take the bus to copps?

achaia3: i need to go there soon i think

Dion W: and carry $70 worth of food

achaia3: i’m going to do it

Dion W: anyway….travis is on his way so i gotta go…but i seriously think you should consider coming tonight. It’s gonna be fun…Kara, Ryan, Brock & Jessica (maybe), Justin (i think) and a few others will be there

achaia3: i’m not coming

Dion W: y?

achaia3: because

Dion W: because is a preposition, not an answer

achaia3: i’m not coming because i don’t want to go

Dion W: whats your reason…because I’m going to be there?

achaia3: just drop it

achaia3: i have chem to do

Dion W: t’d be too awkward and uncomfortable (seeing Dion) - but I didn’t tell Jon that. I did tell Justin Peterson and also Justin V though…

Dion W: you have all weekend

achaia3: have fun w/ travis

Dion W: but whatever….i was just trying to have a good time with you again

Dion W: but aparently that’s a bad thing

Dion W: shopping isn’t fun…btw :)

Dion W: anyway, I’ve tried

achaia3: shopping is too fun

achaia3: i love it

achaia3: anyway

achaia3: bye

Dion W: i’ve laid out my side of the story and told you how i truely feel….if you decide to take it with a grain of salt so be it

Dion W: you know where to find me if you ever discover what you’re actually doing to yourself

achaia3: you know where to find me too

Dion W: i’ve tried

achaia3: but obstacles get in the way

Dion W: you’re the one who needs to find me

achaia3: and i cant help it

Dion W: yea you can

achaia3: what do you want me to do?

*** Auto-response from Dion W: I hate when I try so hard and it still doesn’t work…..Thank god I’m not one to give up. I will keep on fighting…..

achaia3: pretend travis doesn’t exist?

achaia3: i dont even think that would help

achaia3: travis and you showed me my potential to fuck everything up, including myself

achaia3: this is why i need to stay away from the people (person) i care about

Right after I said that, I called Dyan H. I almost couldn’t control myself - my eyes welled up just from hearing her voice. I love Dyan, and I really want her to come to Madison. I miss Matt K too! OMG. Anyway, what I said about avoiding the people I care about was almost exactly what Jordan G said about Dyan and why he was avoiding her. Arg, everything is so confusing! I don’t know what to say or do.

I’m going to dinner soon with Justin V, and then to a Badger Herald party. Tomorrow my mom is coming with my siblings. She’s picking up some balloons I have, and we’re probably going for lunch somewhere.

Also, I’m contemplating removing Travis from my abode. I asked Dyan if my life is worth $350 per month (even though Travis hasn’t paid me anythnig yet), and that really made me think. Is it? What am I doing?