My last living grandparent passed away in September at age 87. I have thus traveled back home and made my first visit to Oconto in northern Wisconsin in more than a decade. It was bittersweet and surreal to meet so many family members I have not been among since half my life ago, when I last saw Grandma.

Grandma Porath with me and my brothers Ben and Tim and the cats, two of which we brought home, in the mid 1990s.

There are many things a 23 year old thinks about when moving away from home. Finding a job, making new friends, starting a life. The effect on family relationships of moving half a continent away is perhaps obvious but somehow less important in the moment. There is plenty of time left in life, time to figure things out. And it’s easy to fly back. But then come responsibilities. Work, roommates, partners, animals, home ownership. Forces that affect everyone else, too. And the passage of time is unforgiving.

In the 14 years since leaving home, I have now missed the decline and death of my last two grandparents and several family reunions on both sides. Sadly this is not on my mind much because I am even more concerned about spending more time with my immediate family I don’t see enough. My dad is now 79, and I’ve been averaging less than one visit a year. Alan’s father passed away last year, making me reflect on this even more. All while trying to make a huge career change. This is all to say life is complicated, and connection takes real work. It was good therefore to see my aunt and uncles and many cousins and others during this recent trip, despite the sad circumstances.

My maternal grandma became ill and went to the hospital earlier this year, during my spring semester of classes through UC-Berkeley Extension. (That is a whole separate story that I hope to write about here at some point when I am less overwhelmed.) I was concerned that might be the end right then, but I had exams to figure out. Thankfully she quickly got better. She was then in and out a few times, and the situation did not sound hopeful due to her congestive heart failure and repeated need for oxygen therapy. Things seemed to stabilize, and I didn’t make it home. I was able to very briefly video chat with Grandma in April on her birthday while my mom and siblings were up north visiting. Aside from brief exchanges on Facebook over the years, I believe the last time we spoke in person was at my sister’s baptism back in May 2011, a year before I moved to San Francisco. How has so much time passed so quickly?

I ended up deciding to take a summer organic chemistry course that was pretty intensive, covering a two chapters and having two tests every week. I had a brief break afterward to get caught up on things at home before diving into four more classes this fall. A few weeks in, Grandma was not doing well again, and it was decided to not do any more interventions beyond pain management. I had too many midterms and assignments to come back immediately, but I also didn’t know she would not recover like the other times. Alas, she passed away.

I felt sad mostly for my family, and for the fact I was not close enough with her for so long to have it affect me more strongly. I guess I was able to process my feelings in the time since she first got ill, when I first recognized she was dying. Perhaps I have not yet actually processed them. In any case, it seemed I was not alone in that at the funeral. There was not as much crying as I expected, even knowing everyone has had time to grieve. It took place more than a month after her passing due to coordination issues (which happened to work out rather well for my exam schedule). I was thus able to share some smiles with family. Grandma would have wanted us smiling, anyway.

One thing I was initially uneasy about was taking pictures. I waited until near the end to take a few photos with my immediate family, but in retrospect I wish I took more with the extended family I was meeting and chatting with before the funeral. Still, I am happy to have gotten to shake hands and hug with many people. Many more I didn’t get a chance to meet.

Me, Kim, Ben, Tim and Dad

Some of my siblings at the luncheon

Sri and Ben contemplating before the service for Grandma.

Sukrit and Virgil at the luncheon.

Grandma had a large number of siblings, many of whom have since passed. I barely have a handle on my not-that-large number of cousins directly descended from Grandma. Just meeting many of them was lovely. My Aunt Debbie even told me she reads my blog and loved getting to know my experience that way. I told her how I appreciated that, and thinking of what she said sparked this diversion from my physiology homework on this very flight I am on as I write.

Flying over the Rocky Mountains back to the West Coast.

I’ll have to make an effort to return for a more happy reunion.

Me, Kim and Ben

Me, Ben and Dad

Goodbye, Grandma. I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you better. Thank you for raising a great family, to which I owe my existence and good fortunes. I hope you rest in peace.

Grandma Porath at her service.