I’m on a Greyhound bus returning to Milwaukee from visiting my ex in Chicago. This time, I boarded first, and I have plenty of room to sprawl and use my laptop. There are apparently only about 20 people on the bus, and everyone has two seats. The last bus I took down to Chicago was very different, nearly overbooked.

We’re driving through the aftermath of all day snow and frigid temperatures. We were supposed to depart at 4:30 and arrive at 6:25, but we departed at 4:50 and will probably arrive after 8:30 since the roads are pretty bad, though we’re starting to move a little faster now.

Anyway, I’m again a bit emotionally drained, which is a common theme this year. The latest issues are with my ex.

We started dating July 2013, and got very close before my impending move to Japan that was supposed to happen at the end of 2013, but didn’t actually until February. That was traumatic enough since the date kept getting pushed back, but we finally said goodbye and broke up before I boarded the plane. It wasn’t long after I arrived in Japan that we decided to stay together after all, and be long distance boyfriends. He visited me in Japan, and I visited him in China, and then we both went to South Korea in July. By that time, he was quite tired of the distance, and wanted me all to himself, which I understand completely. So he broke it off, and again there was crying and a final goodbye.

But he soon decided keep the plans to go to Burning Man with Brad, Erik and me, and when we saw each other, it was as if we resumed being boyfriends. After I made a new friend during the 50K race in the desert, we had a pretty bad argument in which he was intent on leaving Black Rock City early. I convinced him to stay, and gave my word it would just be the two of us for the rest of the week. And then I returned to Japan, and he moved to Chicago to start his new business school life.

Since then, I had been hoping to see him in Chicago for new year’s eve, but he was reluctant to commit, claiming if we did see each other, it would be strictly platonic, and that he might be in China anyway. But in late November, he happened to invite me to Hong Kong since he would be there for some events in December. My brother was to be visiting me, so we both went to Hong Kong to stay with my ex, on the pretext of cheapening the hotel costs for him. Needless to say, we were basically boyfriends again immediately. Upon the end of that trip, he made clear I could see him in Chicago at the end of the month.

So, after visiting family for Christmas, I took the bus to Chicago and spent new year’s week with him. We went out with Erik and some friends and had a great time. Then we drove together to Milwaukee to spend one day there, and had a lackluster time mostly due to my poor planning and having to work. He left January 2 in the evening, but it wasn’t a total goodbye because we vaguely planned to see each other once more. I thought that might take the form of him coming back up the following Friday, but it got accelerated when I was about to go out Saturday night for one last outing with some Milwaukee friends. We argued about expectations even though we weren’t dating officially anymore, and it made me not want to do anything. I did end up meeting my friends out, barely, for one drink, as my ex drove up from Chicago to take me back to his place. I drove back, though, because it was snowing pretty hard, and he was tired.

We had a decent week, him going to class and me working at home. But then last night after dinner with Erik, we got into another argument over his expectations of me when we are together. Basically he expected I would be a monogamous boyfriend, even though we weren’t. We hadn’t communicated very well about it during the week, and it erupted. I probably would have returned to Milwaukee immediately due to how he made me feel, if there were still a bus. But it was too late, so I stayed. We didn’t warm up to each other till lunch today, and even then, things still felt pretty cold, and not just outside. He also said he will no longer be staying with me during a possible visit to San Francisco in February. But at least now I think we will at least stay in touch, whereas last night there were threats of never speaking again. That’s the last thing I could bare to have happen with one of my closest friends.

So, overall, I think things will be OK, but I have been feeling lonely lately. I’m sure it’s partly it’s due to my lack of effort to stay in touch with friends. Separately from this entire ordeal, I got close (after breaking up with my ex) with my Japanese roommate and another guy from Singapore. Both situations are effectively over now, though; my inability to commit or be in one place are undoubtedly large contributors to this. I’m going to try not to worry about it much till I finish my whirlwind world tour from March through July. Then I’ll have Burning Man to look forward to, and hopefully have some idea what’s coming next in my life.

I wish I could love all my friends and not have other friends feel less because of it. But that’s always my problem… time will heal, and hopefully in so doing not dispose of the relationships I’ve built thus far.