I need help.

I am lost.

I’ll start with Valentine’s Day.

The day before, I bought a dozen roses for 20 bucks and a bunch of candles and little things and put them in a nice gift bag. I gave them to Heather on Valentine’s…and she said ohh thank you like u’d expect. But I don’t know it was a weird day. She kept coming up with reasons not to carry the flowers around…and she ended up putting them in her locker before lunch. That bracelet I spent between 1 and 2 hundred dollars on for Christmas…I don’t think I saw it on her for like two weeks. During the pep rally on Vday she barely talked to me.

I don’t know which day she actually told me something anymore, but she was I don’t know. She’s not seemed well for months. She’s been saying she’s sick a lot. She’s been making a lot of comments like everyone hates her and she kept calling herself a bitch and stuff. Of course I’m always telling her that she has so many friends and she is perfect…. but it was never well received.

The culmination of what I’ve been hearing from everyone lately is this: Heather broke up with me but never told me. Or something.

First she led me to believe that she needed space and just wanted to take it easy. Then she said we were on a break. Then we were broken up, though only on her side.

Sometimes she told me that she still liked me more than any guy and she just wanted some time to sort things out. Now she’s acting like she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend ever again. And that leaves me in a pickle. I honestly could not tell you if she likes another guy or no one or likes me kindof. Therefore I am stuck here to wait for her to make up her mind. I have to be “unavailable” in waiting for her. I really want to be with her Matt. But I can’t tell if she wants to be with me, even after she sorts things out. It’s like, she could just decide she was in love with anyone and it would be okay with me because I want what’s best for her. But if I decided I liked another girl, she would not be happy because for all I know she still likes me and just isn’t saying it!

So… moving right along.

I am so awkward feeling. This girl in one of my classes that I am in with Heather asked me the other day if Heather and me were going out. I said we were. She asked for how long. I said since summer. Then she mentioned it to Heather. Apparently I was wrong. The girl now tells me that Heather said she doesn’t like me like that at all, and we are not going out. How do you think I look when I hear that in front of people and I didn’t know it! Yeah its awkward.

Heather doesn’t want me to talk to you. She says she tells you everything. She never tells me anything. She says she is a best friend with you. She doesn’t give me a chance. She says you and her have been through a lot. She makes it impossible for me to go through anything with her in the first place. Then she makes it seem like it’s my fault. I am in love with the song Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton. It’s a beautiful song. So is Creep by Radiohead, and Violet by Hole, and Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes, and Say That You Love Me by the Cardigans.

I’m lost and confused and I don’t know what to do.

Heather keeps saying that I’m a good friend of hers, but she doesn’t talk to me at school. The last week, I don’t think she ever initiated a conversation between us. I cannot make eye contact with her even if we are sitting either next to or opposite each other at lunch, and even if I am talking to her.

This destroys me because I am totally convinced that I love her. I can’t picture myself even liking anyone else ever. I always think about what it will be like when we move out and stuff. I’ve been typing this for a half hour and I have so much homework left.

To sum up the rest:

It feels like all the time and money I spend trying to talk to her is a waste. She acts like she doesn’t want to talk to save me trouble, but only causes more. I cannot get her to understand that I am concerned deeply and I really truly want to know how she is, but she doesn’t see that. She always acts like I’m not getting hints. We stand in the halls by each other but everything is so awkward. She tells everyone before she tells me. I am always behind, and I never know what other people know, and being around St. Hubert people is awkward.

Okay now I’m listening to Down by Socialburn. Tell me, how should this feel. I’m nothing.

I wish I was special. But I’m a creep.